will not fear love…

In the middle of a jammed packed weekend I find myself sliding into an introverted spasm. June was a full, amazing month. Full of celebration and our people. I love June.

A little over a week ago someone made an offhand comment about a time when they were bruised up. And I didn’t cringe. I didn’t cry. Just a few days earlier we sat with new friends and they asked if we were ready, if we had healed enough to move forward. I acknowledged our wounds and that everyone had them. I didn’t shut down or look for the quickest route out of there.

And just last week I had a birthday party. It came after almost two months of shutting down that conversation…afraid to reach out to old friends and even more scared of new friends. But I did it. Wounds bound. Heart open.

But today I feel ten steps back….

This week I turned thirty. It was a big deal. My mom decided not to come over for dessert and before I went to bed I was surprised to get a ‘happy birthday’ text. I’m not sure if my dad realized it was my birthday, but he didn’t acknowledge it.

I can’t begin to imagine not celebrating a milestone of Alaina’s. Incomprehensible. I can’t imagine anything that could keep me from my child. Still, at thirty it shakes me and threatens what I have worked hard to learn:

Love exists in so many forms and manifests itself in more ways than I can understand. In a marriage. In a friendship. As a parent. In a community. From a savior.

In the midst of a busy weekend full of things that normally fill me up, I am struggling. I am reading between the lines, filling the silence and worrying about things that have no connection & may never happen. But they might. They have before.

And I reminded again that my default is broken. But not without reason. I needed to celebrated by people who opted not to….minus thirteen letters via text. I needed to be significant. I needed to be loved.

And my feelings about that bleed over and warp my ability to respond to all those other versions of love.

And so I come here and acknowledge my damage, feeling a wave of release as I transfer the hurt from my heart to this page. I choose not to fear love for the ways it may be lacking, instead relishing in what is offered. Everyday…from everyone I can. And I’ll give it away…in as many ways as I can.

And I remember the biggest lesson of all…that how I love my kids will be the basis of how they give and receive love their entire lives. It ends…this thing I fight. Because love begins with me.